Holy Nervousness Batman.

It has hit. I am nervous. I have been cleaning and packing all morning and I am ready to throw up. I just want to do well and rock. I'm not really nervous about the competition. I'm worried about crying during my damn song. I talked to my mom and step-dad this morning and they both said they're going to be bawling the entire time through my song. That's comforting. Knowing if I catch a glimpse of them bawling, I will lose it. I have been singing it all morning and I do fine until "you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.. I got lost in this ol' world and forgot who I am. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it.. This brokenness inside me, might start healing.. Out here it's like I'm someone else.. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave.. won't take nothin' but a memory... from the house that built me.." 
When I moved to Chicago, that is exactly how I felt. I felt lost and broken. I felt alone and scared. If that song would have came out at that time, I might not have been able to stop crying. 
Now, I am going back to Chicago - the place that feels like "home" to me and I'm chasing my dream. It just seems so surreal. First of all, I can't believe I am getting this opportunity. I have wanted this for my entire life. A chance to be on stage, in front of millions. A chance to be on the radio. A chance to sing for a living. I can't remember a time when I didn't want that. 
One of the questions on the info sheet that abc sent me was "how would it feel if you won this competition?" How do you put into words of how you would feel if your dream came true? I don't have words for it. I really, really don't. Disbelief. That's about the only word I can come up with that even comes close to how I would feel. I remember being eight years old and wanting nothing more than to be on stage with Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men and sing their songs with them. Now, almost 20 years later -- I still want that very same thing. Instead of being on stage with Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men, I'd like to be on stage with my band and playing my songs. My dream hasn't changed in twenty years. When I tried to come up with any other career besides being a musician, I couldn't figure anything out that would make me as happy. When I am on stage, the feeling I have is indescribable. It feels perfect. I feel like I was meant to be put there. I don't feel that way anywhere else. Well, except when I'm with my kids. 
 Maybe the best way to explain how I feel is to associate it to the first time you saw your baby, right after you delivered your baby and they bring him/her to you. That feeling of jubilation and pride. Even then, it's not the same feeling but it's close. For me, it is different than those of you mom's that have natural births and get to hold your babies right away. I just got to see my kid's faces before they whisked them away. In that moment, when my eyes met their eyes the world was perfect. There was nothing else that even mattered. 
That's what it's like when I'm on stage. My eyes meet the eyes of everyone in the audience and that is all that matters. Giving every bit of me to them. Putting my heart on my sleeve and letting go of all other cares in the world. It's just me and them. For those few minutes, nothing else matters. I want them to feel what I feel. I want them to know what that song means to me, what it feels like in my heart. It sounds crazy but it's the only real way I can describe it. 
So, to be able to win and sing - literally - for the world isn't even fathomable to me. The biggest crowd I have preformed for is 2200 people. I sang the national anthem at a muskie's game a few years ago. Now, it's millions, with the possibility of billions of people. It just doesn't even seem real to me. I feel like I am going to wake up tomorrow and this will have all been a really awesome dream. 
I am so glad I chose to blog my feelings about all of this. I really talked myself out of my nervousness. I have this stupid looking smile on my face and I am completely content. I know I have some of the best friends in the world because you have all been SO supportive and given me such great words of encouragement and for that, I am eternally thankful. You will probably never know how much it means to me to have your support. I will continue to blog while I am away and post pictures on facebook. I will keep you all updated and "in the know". 
Gotta finish packing. :)